[ENG] Every time i heard a story from a person who hates his parents, i’ll suddenly remember mine. (Read the other true stories in a post : Everything Starts From Inside The Blanket). He was a loving father for me. He never hit or abused me. Unfortunately, being a loving father didn’t make him a loving husband for Mama. He was a monster.

The wounds he caused her are seen through her wounds in her body. He never hit me – but he often hit and abused my Mama. As a child seeing her Mama was physically and verbally abused, i was broken and damaged since i was a kid. I saw him as a monster. Every time he hit my Mama – all i could do was crying and hiding inside my blanket with fear on my heart. I remember that i could even heard my own heart beating inside me when i was too scared of them fighting. He used to throw things when he explodes. I remember my mother was holding me in her hands while he was throwing things and screaming toward my mother and i was all crying begging him to stop.

Recalling these moments even makes me teary somehow. It’s like i’m seeing a poor little girl who was frighten to death screaming and begging but not being heard. He was charming back then – so he was so popular among the citizens and that rewarded him to get so many women sleeping with him. There were single ladies, young ladies and even other’s wives. I lost count of his women after a while. Too many that is known but a lot more that is hidden unknown. He just loved to screw around. I even knew some of the women he’s with but remained silent. Not once i ever forbid him to see those women — don’t know why, i just didn’t, is it because of fearing him or just never really care about him –  i don’t know. Long story short, finally my Mama gave up. When i was 11, they got divorced. And i remember, that was the first time i know the feeling of relieved.

He tried to fix things with my mom though – but i cried so hard telling her to don’t come back to him. That is how i realized that i hated him.

Do you think this is what i supposed to feel? No. Exactly not.

Everyone – i think would agree if hating him is the right thing to do. I suppose that all of you who read this will encourage me to never contact him again and to even get some revenge. I have been in both hatred and forgiveness — let me tell you the truth : your freedom is not placed on revenge, it’s on forgiveness. Let me show you what these 2 decisions will cause you just like how they’ve caused me :

Hatred, Anger, Revenge

Not long after the divorce, we moved to another town apart from him. For 7 years after we moved, not even once i want to meet or even call him, he tried to contact me though. I was so full of hatred. I was unable to forgive him for what he has done. But to think back now, where i thought living without him is freedom – is not a freedom at all – it was actually a brand new prison for me. I was actually moving from 1 prison to another.

I am caught up in hatred and anger for 7 years. It was killing me. All i could think  everyday is how in years ahead, i would meet him and his new ‘bad‘ wife (oh yes she was pretty bad toward us – she caused my Mama suffered a lot – and yes i hate her too) and then i would confront him. I even thought of killing and burning his wife, trust me i did. I would spend my times imagining their suffering. Do you want to know what these 7 years of hatred caused me ?

1. I became a person who never trust men. I was an over-protective lunatic.
2. My minds are full of their suffering scenes and it is really like a daily telenovela that i have to watch everyday. It consumed me. It took away your joy – seeing things like these every single day.
3. I expressed and think of love and sex in a wrong way.
4. I didn’t really believe in happily marriage. I always thought that well marriage has an age. You’ll get ruin in some years ahead just like my parents. (the truth is, it is not – i have seen so many married couple lives joyfully in love until the end.)
5. I was a full of anger person. I am easily disturbed and explode just like my father. Because there is no true joy inside of me — dealing with hatred will surely cause you to be a grumpy and easily to be angry person.
6. I wasn’t enjoying my life. I saw my life as a broken hopeless life.
7. I had a depression. I hate my self. I don’t have any confidence in me. I hate seeing my face in the mirror.

Forgiveness 

After 7 years of living in ‘hell’ (even without my father), God caught me in His love. He touches me. Feeling His love enables me to forgive and love my father. I finally called him and meet him. I came back home to our town and we had a lunch together couple times. He was still with his new family. I released my hatred and decided to live in joy and peace. I decided to stop wasting anymore of my time ruining my present and stop me from ruining my future. And that is the best decision i have ever made. God heals me.

1. I no longer coped in negative, full of hatred mind. Finally i feel free. It feels like some heavy stones has just being lifted up from my shoulder. Now i feel so light and peace.
2. I could feel peace in my heart and that is the best feeling.
3. I no longer care about how to make them suffer, all i care about now is how to live my life joyfully (my focus has changed).
4. I love my self. I am grateful for everything i am.
5. I am changed. I am no longer an un-confidence girl who always had her hair tied. I am confidence in everything i do and wear and say and think today.
6. I am not an over-protective person anymore! I can trust my man because i trust my God will not harm me.  I was so crazy back then to think of it today haha
7. I believe in love. I believe in hope. I believe in joy and i believe in peace. I believe that God created life to be in peace and a grateful life is really exist.
8. I am enjoying my life. I see it as a blessed life and wonderful life. I rejoice all the experiences i had on my past as it makes me, me now.

So, choose forgiveness. It is not easy – i know that much. I knew that there are experiences out there who are worse than mine. Some are being raped, abused and even sold by their parents. But, it is not the past that you should focus on. It is your life now and then. You have wasted so much time focusing on what you should left behind – now it’s the time to focus on your now and future. Holding hatred is like holding up your future. Don’t ruin what haven’t been ruined in the future for something that can not be changed anymore. You don’t throw away 5 good apples only because of 1 bad apple in the same plastic bag.

I am happily married today and live in such a grateful life since i decided to forgive someone who hurt me. He is passed away now, and i am grateful that i was there beside him when he passed away telling him that i forgive and love him. I even decided to forgive his wife and son. I remember i said thank you to her. Not because of what she has done to me and my Mama – but for taking care of my father. I have a dear friend who lives away from his rich family because he is a son from his father’s mistress, and seeing he is not able to live like them somehow makes me think, what if my father’s son from his mistress is just like my friend (he lives alone since his father and mother died years ago).

Feel Jesus’s love on your life. Aside from all the bad things that had happened, count the great things He’s given to us. It is not His fault and His doing that those bad things happens – it’s us, human’s choices. He is indeed the one who wants to heal and rescue us from all the wounds. All we need to do is to decide. When we’ve decided – He will take our hand through all the way until we really could forgive those who hurt us completely, leaving no wounds behind.