It was so dark that i couldn’t see, or maybe refuse to see. I thought God has left me, i thought God has probably abandoned me or just gone leaving me like this. But no, i was wrong. This flare up has taught me a lot of things i forgot. Faith, Love and Hope.

After years of clearing up, i finally got married with my love of my life, and bonus, 2 kids from my marriage. Life has just seems so normal. No significant flare up seems to come by. I started to loving ice coffee and milk tea. But even that wasn’t a problem at first. Everything seems so normal and fine.

Until one day i decided to do a 40/24 fasting with only liquid. At the 8th day i use one essential oil on my face to learn about some technic. Then one day after that, i got my reaction. Well i don’t blme the oils – because i have used these oils for quite some time. But, This reaction makes me realize that my body has something not right, because these oils and my fasting obviously become my detox process.

That reaction went on and off, until these couple of weeks it got worse after 1 more incident with oils. I realized that my body is not having enough time to detox. So here i am, in my recovery process. What is seen on this picture has been 50% better though, it was so much worse than this, my face was so swollen i couldn’t even recognize my self. My hands and neck are disgusting because i had eczema on every single pores.

I was once again beaten by fear. I dropped down, i was devastated and frustated. Everytime i looked at my self in the mirror, i hated it, i cried. I was so exhausted to face this again, i know it’s probably not as worse as before – but still, it frustated me as i had to deal with 24/7 itchiness. I couldn’t sleep because everytime my skin touched the bed sheets, it itches and painful.

Different from my posts before about my journey with eczema where i shared my story after i am fully cleared up, today i wish to share when i am having this to show you that you are not alone. That we are on the same boat here. We are fighting this together.

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When you feel devastated today, when you feel frustated, when you feel like there’s nothing you can do anymore or it seems endless, it’s not going anywhere, nothing seems to work, everything seems to get worse every single day. Listen to me!

God is still in control.

When you feel that God is nowhere to be found, when you feel that God is not helping, not caring or not doing anything. Then, you’re wrong. Take it from me who are still here with all my rash, my itchiness, my blisters and swollen face. If there is one person who “deserves” to blame God, it’s me. I did my fasting for a better me, for gerting closer to God and look at what i got in return. But no, i choose not to. And i just simply not deserves to blame Him.

I am a mother. I know that a good mother or father will never leave their kids, will never harm their kids in any way. I will never leave my baby and toddler out of my sight if i am not sure that my kids are in the safe zone. Even though i leave them to go to the toilet or cook, i WILL ENSURE that my kids are safe. I probably will put my baby in the baby walker, and my toddler in the room where he’s familiar and safe in that zone.

I will never leave my kids, even my 3 year old toddler alone outside of my house, because i knew that it won’t be safe for them. I will watch over them, i will not get busy with my phone while watching them in the playground for i fear someone will take them away from me.

With this, i know, my God, my Father in Heaven will never leave me out of His sight. He will always be watching me.

So when He is not yet answering my prayer, i probably just is in the baby walker. I only need to wait.

Because Sooner or later and its not going to be long enough, my Father will pick me up and provide me everything that i need.

I am grateful for the things around me. I am grateful for i could still enjoy the air conditioner in my room. I am grateful i had a loving husband and children that understand my condition and support me in my darkest days. I am grateful for having some money to buy everything that i need to make my eczema better. I am grateful that i had this now and not when i was pregnant, and so many more.

So on this post, i would like to share about how i then choose to be a happier me. For Joy is not coming from conditions around us. It’s coming from within us. We choose to be happy. When i realized this, i started to feel that God took my burden in my heart. Everything is still here, my eczema is not yet cleared, but my heart has. When i choose to be a happier and grateful me.

Remember this verses :

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9 NIV)

So Do Not Fear, For I Am With You; Do Not Be Dismayed, For I Am Your God. I Will Strengthen You And Help You; I Will Uphold You With My Righteous Right Hand (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ( 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV)

Be joyful 🙂

** Meanwhile – i shared my diet menu on www.sashabakes.id – you can go check it out !